How to tell a North American Screaming Baby from a Common Drunk Vomiting Guy.

Photo by Kamil Feczko on Unsplash

Infans quiritare

Known for the clear crests and falls of its wailing, the North American Screaming Baby is an easily identified nocturnal animal, especially if you’re desperately trying to fall asleep. Experts have noted the long range of this creature’s screams, which can penetrate wood, concrete, and multiple layers of ear protection. It can nest in a variety of spaces but is commonly found directly underneath you and somehow all around you at the same time.

Duobus haesitationibus

A common apartment inhabitant, the Arguing Couple has many varieties and is known for the complexity of its calls. Careful listeners have…


If you’ve ever caught yourself smiling while you work, you might as well quit now.

Photo by Baby Natur on Unsplash

Welcome to my workshop. Please take a seat with the rest of my apprentices.

I hope you appreciated that greeting, because it is the last bit of warmth you will get from me. For I did not become the greatest fingerpuppetrist in my profession by coddling my pupils. From now on, you must be devoted to your craft. You must be free of all distractions.

You must also purge yourself of all happiness.

Take a look at my best-seller, Allie the Alligator. See how she is tailored to fit snugly on a child’s thumb. She has a carefree expression, individually…

W. A. Hughes

Frantic writer seeks outlet for errant jokery.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store